Maw's picture.Yo! Welcome to Maw’s ‘Recipes for the Blues’

Stressed? Feeling down? Got the blues? Let Maw cook you up a recipe that cures all!

Warning! May contain nutty humour…

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model because:

  • I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.
  • My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
  • My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
  • I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
  • My white-walls are stained with varicose veins.
  • It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
  • My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it:

Image of an old lady.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Unintentional Double Entendres

  1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’
  2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’
  3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’
  4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’
  5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my god ! What have I just said?’
  6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’
  7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked… ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
  8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’
  9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said:
    ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.’
  10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’
  11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’
  12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself..’

Beware Of What You Wish For…

An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The driver says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the driver reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well, love’ says the driver, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the driver.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’ The driver sighs, pauses, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’