I was saving these until I was discharged from hospital but, as I’m stuck in here at least until the New Year, I thought I might as well unleash them on an unsuspecting public…

The Hunter & The Flautist

A couple of duck hunters were out enjoying a nice morning in the marshes when one of them felt the need to urinate. He walked over to a nearby tree and propped up his gun.

Just as he was unzipping himself a gust of wind blew the gun over and it discharged. Unfortunately, he took half of the buckshot into his genitals.

He came to, several hours later, to find himself in a hospital bed. Seeing that he was now awake, a nurse summoned a doctor.

‘Well sir,’ the doctor began, ‘I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’

‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.

‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’

‘Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’

‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the BBC Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eyes!’

Skipping the Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded, ‘I’ll tell you though, by jeesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.

‘No, from the feckin’ skippin’!!

Eastern Delight

While travelling extensively in the Orient, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis is covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results..

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here – we know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese Doctor who is an expert in these matters. This doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’

The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American Doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’

The Chinese Doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese Doctor, ‘you just have to wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’

Stop Wining!

I went to a dinner party last night where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms: headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious – and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. Experts are recommending that anyone who starts to exhibit symptoms should immediately have a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. Should the condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen. A McDonald’s Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

If these measures do not work, then further applications of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, have shown to be effective.

Wine Flu is not necessarily life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.