The Dog's Blog
Life, the Universe, Accessibility – and Dogs!
Posted on Jan 26, 2010 - 7:54pm by Gary. Categories: Humour
Ever wondered what would happen if the Battle of Trafalgar was fought in today’s more enlightened times?
Read on and remember, to be taken with an extremely large pinch of salt…!
Nelson: “Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye Aye Sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on – that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.”
Hardy: “Sir?”
Nelson: “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy I’m afraid, Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens! Well, I suppose we had better just get on with it. Full speed ahead!”
“Hardy: I think you’ll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water, sir.”
Nelson: “Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please!”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible Sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Unfortunately he’s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won’t let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny.”
Hardy: “It’s not that Sir, It’s just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of human rights lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually Sir, we’re not!”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir. You could be up on a disciplinary.”
Nelson: “But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King?”
Hardy: “Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. What happened to rum and the lash?”
Hardy: “As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about same-gender relationships?”
Hardy: “I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.”
Nelson: “Thank God for that. In that case – kiss me Hardy!”
Tags: History, Nelson, Politically Incorrect, Trafalgar
Posted on Dec 31, 2009 - 11:03am by Gary. Categories: Humour
I was saving these until I was discharged from hospital but, as I’m stuck in here at least until the New Year, I thought I might as well unleash them on an unsuspecting public…
A couple of duck hunters were out enjoying a nice morning in the marshes when one of them felt the need to urinate. He walked over to a nearby tree and propped up his gun.
Just as he was unzipping himself a gust of wind blew the gun over and it discharged. Unfortunately, he took half of the buckshot into his genitals.
He came to, several hours later, to find himself in a hospital bed. Seeing that he was now awake, a nurse summoned a doctor.
‘Well sir,’ the doctor began, ‘I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’
‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.
‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’
‘Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’
‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the BBC Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eyes!’
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded, ‘I’ll tell you though, by jeesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the feckin’ skippin’!!
While travelling extensively in the Orient, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis is covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results..
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here – we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese Doctor who is an expert in these matters. This doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American Doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese Doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’
‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese Doctor, ‘you just have to wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’
I went to a dinner party last night where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms: headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious – and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. Experts are recommending that anyone who starts to exhibit symptoms should immediately have a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. Should the condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen. A McDonald’s Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
If these measures do not work, then further applications of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, have shown to be effective.
Wine Flu is not necessarily life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.
Posted on Dec 17, 2009 - 1:28pm by Gary. Categories: Humour
Just a small collection of some seasonal humour. Hey! If I’ve got to suffer them, then you’re going to suffer them too!
And, by the way, I use the term ‘humour’ as loosely as ever!
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
See the fur to keep you warm,
Snugly round your tiny form.
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note only persons who have been subject to a CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV (Closed Circuit Television) cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA (Ultraviolet-A), UVB (Ultraviolet-B) and Glory.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little donkey, little donkey
On the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load.
The RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC (Royal Automobile Club) route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.
Away in a manger,
No crib for His bed
The little…
Right! That’s it! ‘No crib for his bed’, is it? This whole affair is now being passed to Social Services…
You’re driving along just minding your own business, when all of a sudden – without any warning – a dick in a truck pulls out right in front of you…
Happy Winter Driving!!
Follow me on Twitter!